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A break up…

Break ups happen all the time, whether they break up amicably or resentfully, they still decided to call it a day on their relationship. They decided to end the trying and call it quits. It’s a horrible thing to go through most of the time but sometimes, you know it’s just not working. Sometimes relationships aren’t meant to last, no matter how much you want them too.

Recently, I went through a breakup with someone who many people didn’t like, but to me, that didn’t matter. They weren’t the ones dating him, and even though there were some really low points, the highs were bloody amazing. I got really lucky to create such great memories with a guy I will always treasure. I got to spend time and get to know someone who has a history of being closed off, and it doesn’t matter how long or short we dated, I feel really lucky to have been let in to his heart, because once you get in there, his a different person.

I can’t count how many times I’ve cried, I can’t pretend to be okay about it. I have good moments during the day where I briefly forget about the truth of the situation, then something small would trigger every emotion I’ve tried to hide. I woke up this morning, and for a brief second, I looked at my phone like I had countless times before, and went to message you. Only to realise that we aren’t together, we don’t talk and that really sucks.

It hurts when you love someone as much as you possibly can, but it’s just not enough. For whatever reason, it’s just not working and you have two choices, to try and find a way to make it work or to just give up and walk away. It’s hard enough to love someone knowing that you just make them unhappy. It’s hard knowing no matter how much you try, you will never be enough for them, so in order for them to find what they need, they leave.

I wish I could just switch off how I felt. I wish I could just pretend that I’m okay, when in truth, I keep crying. Just thinking about them, leaves me in tears wishing that I could erase my memory. It sucks because all I think is what I could have done to make them happy, if I could have made anything better but that’s not the way I should be thinking.

Its hard enough to love someone you can’t have, but its even harder to know that even though you tried, you weren’t enough. It is hard to know that love couldn’t conquer the world, that even though you wanted to get through everything with that person, it just wasn’t enough. Love is one of the most powerful feelings in the world, its the love of ourselves that we make sure we are happy, the love of others that makes us want to keep in touch and be there in the time of need, and the love of our hobbies that make us want to keep doing them. However there is no cure when that love disappears and all you’re left with is heartache.

Right now, my heart aches. My mind is working overtime. All I want is to be in his arms, to look him in the eyes and tell him I love him more than words could express. That I would have gone through hell and back with him by my side, but it hurts knowing that it wasn’t enough. It hurts knowing I wont be seeing his smile or kissing his lips. It hurts knowing that the only choice I have, is to let go and move on… I just never thought it would happen.

I love you. I have for a while and I probably will for a while still. That everywhere I look, I’m surrounded by our memories and hints of you. I am sorry that I wasn’t what you needed and even more than I just made you worse. But still, I love you. I love you on your darkest days, on the days your angry and just need to vent and even when you have a smile that could turn heads. I just hope that even though we may be over, that our story has ended and our future is no longer together, that you can find happiness in things without turning on the negatives. I hope that you laugh more than you cry and live more than you have been. But know that not one second do I regret of us, not one moment makes me wish we never started and not one day has gone by where you haven’t been the most important guy on my mind.

By openupwithme

26.
Mum.
PTSD, EUPD, Depression, Anxiety, Post Natal Depression, Bulimic.
Find me on
Twitter @OpenUpWithMe;
Instagram @OpenUpWithMe;
Facebook @OpenUpWithMePersonalBlog🖤

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