It’s been a few weeks since I last wrote here, and I’m sorry now for being such a ghost. At first I had an infection which was causing me some complications with my kidneys and then I just hit a really low time that I couldn’t quite face if I’m honest. But I figured maybe writing would be able to help, if nothing else, it might remind me why I love to write.
I’m tired. I’m close to giving up. I’m trying and some days it feels like no matter how hard I try, it’s never enough. I don’t always get things right, in fact, it feels like most of the time I get everything wrong, but I’m honestly trying my hardest. Even on my darkest days, I am trying to be a better person. Whether it’s being a better mother, a better friend or a better partner, I’m constantly trying to do the right thing by everyone and in the process, I feel like I’m losing touch with who I am and what I want.
My head is confused. My heart aches. My dreams seem like a waste and my life feels like a mess. I feel like I’m looking through one of those toys you had as a child, the one with all the shapes and colours, that changed when you twist it, although mine is changing with every look. Nothing makes sense. The colours and shapes don’t line up. The thoughts are dark and gloomy most of the time.
I sit and wonder how many people I’ve broken through my actions, how many people have been hurt by me trying to do the right thing. I wonder why my head is fighting me every day when I honestly thought I was doing the right thing. Now I wonder if I even know what the right thing is. Everyone is supposed to learn right from wrong when their younger, yet I feel like my entire life is a lie and that I don’t really know what’s right.
Why doesn’t life come with an instruction manual? Why doesn’t my mind come with an easy to process guide? Why can’t I just open up and tell the people I love what is bothering me? I want to. I want to be able to understand my brain enough to relay my thoughts but I can’t. I’m too scared of being too much, I’m scared of not being understood, and I’m scared of saying the wrong thing.
I thought when I got my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder, that things would start to become easier and they will make sense. Don’t get me wrong, so many things make sense now compared to where I was when I started this blog, but then, so much more is confusing me. There’s so much more I want to say, I need to say but fear controls it all. I wish I could explain it, but I honestly can’t and I’m starting to hate myself for it.
I feel like I have lost so much, and that hurts more every day because I have to live with the choices I made and the pain that I caused to those that I loved. I have my reasons for doing the things that I’ve done, but I’ve hurt my friends, my family and I’m feeling like if I love them, then the only thing I know I’ll do is hurt them.
Feelings are confusing but nowhere near how my thoughts are. There are days where I just want my brain to make sense and then others where I don’t even remember what’s wrong. I thought I was beginning to find myself, but then if I was, my brain wouldn’t be this confused. I thought I knew who I was, but I don’t.
At this moment, all I am, is confused. I just want everything to make sense. I want my brain to make sense. I want to know what direction i’m heading. Because right now, I just feel like I am stuck in a cold and lonely place with the highest walls up around me and no way to break out. Every time I think I have found a door to escape the walls, its just another room built the same way. The worst part is, I know that people just want me to be fixed because when they see upset or hurting, they can’t fix it. But unfortunately there is no magic cure for being emotionally unstable and fucked in the head.
If your loved ones are suffering, just hug them tighter. Sometimes they cant reach out the way they want too. They can’t figure things out themselves, so trying to explain it is harder than normal. Don’t take your loved ones for granted, because they may need more than they’re letting on. Normally I write about how you can find me on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, but the truth is, if you’re reaching out to talk about me, I probably wont answer. However, I am always here for you. Even if its just a distraction. I could use one of those myself right now.
I hope where ever you are in the world, you are keeping your smile! Don’t let this world take it from you.