Today, I wanted to write about a part of BPD that is hardest on me because it’s the part closest to my heart. It’s hard to explain to others about what a favourite person is, but I can tell you now, I wouldn’t be as strong or as stubborn without mine.
To a borderline, a favourite person is more than just a person, they are the strongest bond they have. They can be family, friends or even partners and some lucky people get to have more than one. They are the person or people that they turn to for everything, whether it’s for reassurance, guidance and advice, comfort or because we know they’re the only people that can talk us out of our episodes. They are the ones that we couldn’t go a day without talking too, and yes, I’m aware of how bad that can be.
It’s not all bliss, because although they have the power to pick us up, they can also destroy us without meaning too. From personal experience, I know that I argue with mine a lot because I don’t open up to them when I know I should. If I did, I know they’d talk me out of whatever troubles I had yet I can’t for multiple reasons. Fear controls me a lot of the time. The fear of rejection, the fear of being left and the fear of being too much, all make me overthink everything. Once I start thinking, I wonder how anyone could or would put up with me, I wonder if I annoy them, I wonder if they only put up with me because they feel sorry for me.
My head convinces me that molehills are mountains. That a slight problem is much more than what it is. When this happens, I feel like I’m losing the people that keep me grounded, I do everything I can to try and stop it even when the problem isn’t that big. That becomes needy and clingy. I can’t stop it. I try but I feel worse. Then the problem escalates and they need space. This is something I can’t do without problems. To me, space is them out the door. And if the problem doesn’t get sorted that day, I become unbearable in my own head. Yet, all of it could be avoided if I just asked them.
But when I do finally stop being an idiot, they have the power to change any bad mood, they cancel every negative thought and they make me see sense. They are the light. And I couldn’t be more thankful. Because without them, I’d be worse than I am.
My favourite people mean everything to me. And I try to keep them close so much that I risk losing them. But I hope that I never do. Because they are the strength that keeps me going. They are the music on a bad day. A joke when I’m close to tears. They are everything I need in my life and I hope they never leave. Because that would be my biggest fear. It’s hard because they are a part of me. And right now, I feel like I’m losing them.
To the ones I love when I can’t love myself, to the ones that are my smile when I’m lost. I don’t think you understand how much I really need you. I’ll always need you. I’m just scare that it’s too much.
If you’re someone’s favourite person, if you’re the closest person someone has, make sure they know how special they are and that you wouldn’t want to lose them. You’re their biggest reassurance and if they can’t come to you, they will self destruct. ❤️