I never wanted my blog to be a negative place. I never wanted my brain to be a negative one. I cannot stand the thought of living a negative life. Yet my brain operates in black or white.
Should I be honest? Right now, at this moment in time, I feel horrible. I went to sleep in tears and woke up thinking it was a new day and yet I still wanted to cry. I feel worthless. I feel forgotten. I feel isolated. I feel alone. I feel lost. I feel empty. I feel annoying. I feel pathetic. I feel depressed. I feel like a contradiction.
I know in my heart that I have people around me that love and care about me. Yet I push them away. I feel like if I truly told them how I felt, that it would confirm how pathetic I am. If I told them how I felt, they’d know how lost I am. And I don’t have a map anymore. I know I’m my heart that I am not alone, yet my brain would have me believe different.
There’s been times where I’ve wanted to delete my blog, because I don’t feel like I’m helping anyone by being negative. Slowly, I’m working through the negative things in my life and getting rid of them, it’s just hard because the biggest amount of negative energy comes from the house that I wake up and go to sleep in. The house that haunts my nightmares. I wanted to run away from everything and everyone because I feel like I’m the root of all the negatives. They all stem from me. And I want to end it. I want to stop bringing the ones I love around me down. I want to stop being a burden. I just don’t know how.
My daughter is my greatest treasure. She’s irreplaceable and pure happiness. She is so smart and independent that I question how when I feel so beyond repair. She makes me the proudest mother ever and yet all I can think is how I’m failing her. How I fail her every day that we live in this house. And how much I’m risking. I push through each and every day because I’d rather fight until I’m dead than give up on the one person who loves me unconditionally.
I am lucky. I have friends that I can talk to. I have people that would answer every message if I wanted to message them. Yet I don’t. Because I feel like I’m the poison in their lives. So I don’t say a word and yet continue to feel the way I do. Because if I asked them what I meant to them, they’d be offended. If I asked them, I become pathetic and needy. If I asked them for the truth, I’d be so scared that they’d lie to me.
Yet every day I wake up and hope that today will be different. That I won’t ache or hurt anymore. That I won’t feel like I’m bringing everyone down. I’ll feel like someone who deserves the love around her. One day and I’ll believe that my life matters. I just hope I haven’t lost the ones that matter in the process.
If I love you and trust you enough to let you in, bare with me. Because every day I am battling negative thoughts from consuming me. Some days I beat it and some days it beats me. I just hope that you’re there fighting beside me. ❤️