I’m A Queen…

How shallow and superficial must I be to refer to myself as a Queen, but I honestly believe that there is royalty in all of us, it’s just a matter of establishing your self worth. You are worth more than anyone else gives you credit for. You go through battles that nobody sees every single day and you don’t give yourself enough props. You work through hard days because its expected, even though inside it kills you just to fake a smile. You have been put down and forgotten, but that’s because you forgot to remember yourself. You and you alone have got through every day that lead you to today and there is always a reason for it. Even in your darkest moments, there are reasons. You are not alone, you will never be alone for as long as you want people around. You are loved even when you don’t love yourself. You are you and that’s the best person to be. You are worth every diamond, every rock and everything in between. Because you, are irreplaceable.

Every single person on this planet has troubles and no single person is perfect. Anyone who claims to be, is a robot and doesn’t actually function. Perfection is a standard set to promise failure because its not achieveable. So stop trying and just embrace who you are, warts and all.

Today, I got asked what I would write to a 13 year old me, and it was such a simply hard question to answer. They didn’t know that at 13 my life changed so dramatically that I still haven’t really got myself back and that wasn’t their fault, but how I let that time affect me now, is my fault. This was a time where I was called a drama queen, an attention seeker, a liar and manipulator and most of all, it was the time that I needed everyone around me more than ever. I have spent most of my life as a victim of my past and I refuse to let it have that control over me anymore. I refuse to let other peoples actions and words determine the person that I let my little girl live up too. How can I, as a mother of a girl that will one day also be a teenager, let things that brought so much self destruction and self doubt, be the things she see? I can’t. The day I gave birth to her, I became a Queen in her eyes and she became my little princess. The one girl that I would give my life for without a first thought, let alone a second. I would go to the ends of the earth for her, and that means facing the demons that haunt my nightmares and keep me awake. It means admitting that PTSD is a real thing and its soul destroying but I will not let that be the side she grows up with.

If I wrote a letter to 13 year old me, it would go something like…

“Dear “Drama Queen”,
Embrace your title, embrace your dreams because you can do anything. No single person can stop you from living your life and being the person you want to be.
There are people around you that are going to become toxic, and although you are going to go through a turbulent time, it will get easier and it will all be worth it. But you can’t let their words shape you. You can go through hell and back, just don’t lose your smile. Don’t lose your personality and don’t lose your voice.
Your body is amazing, and you don’t need to worry about your weight until you get pregnant, because believe me, you will get fat but your child is worth it. Don’t lose that love of food, because it will make you try such random but beautiful meals. Food isn’t the answer, and neither is avoiding it.
Make sure you pick your own path. There are people that will say being creative doesn’t lead to jobs, and its bollocks!
Don’t hide your emotions. Don’t be embarrassed, you have a big heart and so many of your problems can be solved if you open up. People won’t always leave, I mean, you get to meet some of the best people, just open up and tell them what it’s like. There’s a reason you think and feel differently, and the ones that matter, won’t ever judge you for it, they try to understand it and they embrace it.
So many people will make you feel small, so many will doubt you and will try to bring you down, but you are worth more than that. Believe in yourself and you will be surprised where you end up.
Its going to be okay, I promise, and you should know, we don’t make promises we have no intention of keeping!”

I realised today that I wouldn’t change the things I went through, not the good and not the bad, but I would change how I dealt with it. So I’m going too. One day, very soon, I will post about the nightmares, I will post about the scariest and darkest moments because if I’m going to address them, It’s going to be my way. I always said I wanted to use my voice to make a difference, and I thought that meant going into law because I love arguments. I didn’t need a law degree because I have this. I have my voice and I have one hell of a way to go. But if I can help one person, if I can make a difference in just a single life, then all of the pain that I suffered to be strong will be worth it.

D4IG3VxXoAAC3Ja
My little princess.

 

Life wasn’t meant to be easy, but it was meant to be lived. I’m not going to live in fear. Not in fear of others and their words, of people and their actions and I refuse to be scared of who I am. To some I am nothing, to others I am something, but to the most important person, I am everything, and that is enough for me. Don’t lose yourself to opinions of the few, because they will always look to bring you down to them because its easier to attack. Embrace the ones who matter, because they are irreplaceable. Until the next time, enjoy your day and ill speak soon. Ferrari❤️

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openupwithme

25. Mum. PTSD, EUPD, Depression, Anxiety, Post Natal Depression, Bulimic. Find me on Twitter @OpenUpWithMe; Instagram @OpenUpWithMe; Facebook @OpenUpWithMeBlog🖤

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