What do you do when you feel like an outcast? When you feel forgotten and tossed aside? Do you try to force your presence onto people to be included or do you just forget about it and ignore that feeling? Do you battle your own head and tell yourself that it’s not true? Or do you give in and just become alone?
Just recently I’ve been feeling more and more forgotten. I know a bit part of that is because I’ve gotten to the stage where I’ve shut everyone off but what am I supposed to do? I’ve gotten to the stage where I don’t feel like I matter so I stopped trying. I trying to save friendships that mean a lot. I stopped trying to keep people in my life and just left them. I left them like they left me.
I sat there and listened to my family enjoy a meal for my mums birthday but as no one told me, I was left to listen and not be included. I asked what the plan was, and told that mum was having takeaway so we would be making our own dinner. I sat there and listened to people talk about me like I wasn’t even around and couldn’t hear what they were saying. I felt defeated. People make promises and then break them. Family and friends will say how they will always be there but yet, when you just need some reassurance, they’re busy.
Because right now I’m sick and tired. I’m defeated and rundown. I cannot help how I feel but I know it’s destroying me and I can’t stop. I can’t stop feeling like I don’t matter, because no matter what, the world will always turn and doesn’t stop to make sure you’re okay. Nobody does. I’m alone to handle my thoughts and I just can’t cope.
The truth is, I want it all to stop. To stop the pain and heartache that comes from feeling alone and unwanted. To stop feeling like I don’t matter. I don’t wanna push people away, but I can’t keep letting people in. Only right now, I’m shutting everyone out because I don’t know who’s toxic and who isn’t anymore. I don’t even know if I’m the problem. But I do know that, something has to give.
I’m way too emotional to even have friends. To even think normally. So for now, I’m taking a break from everything. Because I can’t continue like this. I can’t keep feeling like I don’t matter. And I can’t keep feeling like I’m failing.
Until next time. Ferrari. ❤️