Facing my fear… take two.

So a fortnight and a day ago, I wrote how I was supposed to be going to the dentist. It never happened. I had a massive panic attack and couldn’t face it. I couldn’t get out the door, I was physically sick and exhausted my body because I couldn’t sleep. I made sure to shut people out and I avoided answering questions about it. However, I made another appointment with the hopes that I could get myself out of the door. That appointment was today.

There weren’t too many people that knew it was today because I didn’t want to make a big deal about not going if I couldn’t. I woke up at about 3 from a bad dream and knew today was going to suck. Luna woke up about 4ish and didn’t go back off to sleep for ages, so my nights sleep was broken which meant I was shattered. It was about 8 when I woke up properly to Luna playing which is so cute and then reality hit. I got triggered because I was scared about something going wrong, I was scared about having a bad reaction or not being able to come home because my blood pressure had dropped and I didn’t want to go.

I was in a state and that lasted most of the morning. I cried so much that my eyes were swollen and I just wanted to sleep and yet I knew I couldn’t. Luna was being funny so I didn’t want to leave her without Kieran so it meant I had to find someone else to come with me. Which caused drama! Finding a replacement chaperone isn’t the easiest thing last minute, but it had to be done. Thankfully, I have a lovely neighbour who agreed to come with me and it was pretty awesome because we had a cool catch up and it had been a while so it was really nice to hang out with him even in the circumstances. I also have an amazing best friend who told me I could do it and every chance they could. And I am beyond thankful for them. I’m pretty blessed!

Before I had left for the dentist, I must have cried about 10 times. Every time I would stop and then 5 minutes later, start crying again because of nerves and fear. Yet, as soon as I left the house, I knew I would do it. I knew I had it in me because I found my strength. And I went. I met up with him on the tube and we chatted the whole time about life and silly things. By the time we got there, we had covered everything from fashion to Netflix and it was pretty interesting. After going up 26 floors and waiting for what felt like an eternity, I was called and I walked to the chair that had kept me awake and yet I didn’t have any work done!!

I sat in the chair under the impression that I was beginning the sedation and thank goodness, I WASN’T!! I had worked myself into such a state over a bit of pink mould and some imprints of my remaining teeth. It was so strange and it was like nail varnish remover was in my mouth. (It wasn’t. It was from the stuff they put on the mould to stop it sticking to the gum shield thing.) I swear, when she was getting the top mould off I thought she was going to take my remaining teeth with her. It was uncomfortable. But that was it.

I sat in the dentists chair and I didn’t cry! I did that! No tears at the dentist for me today! That’s an achievement and I am so proud of myself for doing it. Although I was scared and had worked myself up, I managed to sit there and not get upset. I kept my emotions in check whilst she checked my teeth and took the imprints. I did that and it may have taken years but I know that I am stronger than fear.

I want you to push your boundaries. Face your fears. Because that’s the only way we can grow. Today, I felt a sense of pride in an achievement that two weeks ago, seemed impossible. I want you to embrace life because fear needs you to be scared in order to win. And I know I don’t want to live in fear of the dentists anymore. One visit down, a fair few more to go. But that’s one step closer!!

I hope you are all well and having a great day. Thank you for reading. And I’ll write again soon. Ferrari ❤️

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openupwithme

25. Mum. PTSD, EUPD, Depression, Anxiety, Post Natal Depression, Bulimic. Find me on Twitter @OpenUpWithMe; Instagram @OpenUpWithMe; Facebook @OpenUpWithMeBlog🖤

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