A confused mind…

Have you ever spent every day talking to someone only to drift apart? Have you put time and effort into someone only to have it thrown back in your face? Have you ever sat there and thought, if I didn’t speak to them, would we talk? Yep. Losing people sucks.

Unfortunately it happens a lot. Throughout my life I’ve lost people that I never imagined my life without but gained people I didn’t even know existed. I’ve had friendships fall and for the other person to become a stranger I once knew. And I hate it. I hate the fact that one minute we can be extremely close to someone, slowly you drift apart and the next it’s been months and you’ve forgotten each other. I hate that people can come in and out of lives thanks to social media and technology.

Recently I’ve ghosted everyone. I swear, I’ve even ghosted the people in this house at various points over the last couple of weeks and I’m sorry. I’ve just been distracted. It’s not you guys. It’s that coping with my head has become a lot to handle and I feel like I’m failing. I thought that I was losing some of the people I held close, I thought that I was failing as a friend and a person. I wasn’t. My mind was playing tricks on me like it loves to do. But I’ve been feeling like I don’t matter because people can just leave when they feel like it. I have abandonment issues as well as a constant nagging feeling of being too close to people because I feel vulnerable. I feel like if I let people in, they leave. I’ve lost people because I don’t open up yet I don’t open up because I lose people. It’s a vicious circle and one that I know I need to break.

I wish I had all the answers. I wish I could stop myself but it’s so hard. I can’t open up anymore. I’ve done it so many times and fallen flat and defeated. Right now, I feel like I’m out of control, I feel like my fears are controlling me and when I try to stop it, I’m lost. But I’m sorry that right now, I can’t talk to anyone. I can’t because I’m expected to be okay. I mean as everyone tells me, I have a perfect little family and could want nothing more. And yes, I appreciate Kieran and Luna so much, but if that were true, my mind would be okay.

I feel drained because every day is a battle that nobody can see. I feel exhausted because I can’t open up without fear of losing the ones I love most. So I sit tight and wait for my mind to settle. But it’s not. Monday, I have to sit across from a therapist and tell them the things that are on mind and maybe I’ll be a little calmer. I feel like all the colour has been drained from my life. That nothing makes sense and the world around me is in flames. I feel like I’m destroying everything and I can’t stop myself.

This picture isn’t perfect. It’s not in colour. It shows my imperfections. But it’s me. It’s who I am.

I’ll write again soon. But mentally, I can’t cope with my head. I can’t write it down because I don’t make sense of it. I hope that wherever you are right now, you’re not alone. Because having people around you that care, is something that shouldn’t be underestimated. I hope you’re okay and having a great day. Until I write again, Ferrari. ❤️

If you’re not already, follow me on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook by searching “OpenUpWithMe”❤️

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openupwithme

25. Mum. PTSD, EUPD, Depression, Anxiety, Post Natal Depression, Bulimic. Find me on Twitter @OpenUpWithMe; Instagram @OpenUpWithMe; Facebook @OpenUpWithMeBlog🖤

4 thoughts on “A confused mind…

  1. Just stumbled, well, not stumbled as i specifically was searching for something like this, but was caught off guard by some of the issues that you/we face(related to Addisons as well as some of the mental issues.) Overwhelming fear of people and their motives, fighting the self destruct button, on top of a basket of issues from the physical side of Addisons. I don’t know if you are active on the insta you posted, but I messaged you to see if one day when you have time, I could compare some remaining struggles. Ive found certain physical ailments have not gone away, while also having to basically relearn how to cope with any emotional stress. If my day starts off with even just a small issue, I find myself stuck for many hours if not days, where as before I had spent years trying to learn to control the thoughts and lies my brain would come up with, lies that sounded so logical in my head, but lies that were untrue none the less, and very dangerous when it comes to social interaction. (BY dangerous I mean self destructive of all ive tried to create for myself.) Hope this finds you well, very much enjoy your blog and still have quite a bit left to go through.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey CasperBurns, thank you so much for taking the time to read my blog, I truly appreciate it. I unfortunately haven’t received your message on insta which is a shame. What’s your tag and I’ll get searching? I’m also on twitter if you have that. But I’ll make time, I mean right now I’m double dosing because of an infection so I’m run down but I still have time.
      It’s definitely hard but the greatest things in this life, definitely don’t come easy so I’ll take the bad.
      Thank you. I’m glad you’re enjoying it and I truly appreciate any feedback. ❤️

      Like

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