I hate having arguments with people yet, I seem to have loads. I mean, I’m a lot better than I used to be but I know I still have a long way too go. I’m a very argumentative person and sometimes that is my downfall.
Part of the reason I argue with so many people is because I don’t open up when I should or because I get way too emotionally involved in the argument. Most of the time, I am way too passionate and it comes across the wrong way. I mean, I happen to believe that as soon as you’re shouting during an argument, you’ve lost. I lose all the time. I can’t help but shout if I feel like I am not being listened too.
When I argue with people, or even have a disagreement, I get worried that they are just going to go. I mean I watched people all my life, argue and then disappear. So when I do have a little disagreement, I push them away because I believe it’s only a matter of time before they disappear and I get scared. That is something I need to work on, and I am trying but, Rome wasn’t built in a day and I can’t fix myself that quickly either.
I’m the type of person who cannot stand going to sleep on an argument. I feel like it just makes everything so much worse. If they can’t be sorted straight away, I honestly don’t think they will ever get sorted. The longer it takes, the less hope that it will be okay is there. I wish I could. I wish I could just leave it and not worry but it’s so hard. Yet, there are other times, where I’ve gotten to the point that I cant physically be asked to argue anymore and that’s worse. Because, the day I stop arguing, is the day I stop caring. If I don’t see the point in fighting for what I believe in, I just stop and let it go. I have fought for everything in my life, and I have fought to get my voice heard, I wont stay down and I will continue to fight. I just wish it didn’t come with complications.
Recently I had a little disagreement that was blown out of control because I did something out of anger and fear. I didn’t think of the person in question and was selfish. The truth is, fear will always make the worst of the situation if you let it. The hardest part is telling fear that you will not become a victim to it. Had I done that, I probably wouldn’t feel like I’m losing one of my good friends. For the record, I am sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I know that you were offended. I am sorry that I lashed out through fear, I’m sorry that I made you question how much you mean to me, believe me, I am more thankful for everything you do and I really do miss you. I know you don’t exactly want talk to me right now, but that doesn’t change that I am sorry. I could sit here and tell you how much I need and want you in my life, but right now, I know you need space. You just don’t realise how much this is killing me.
I know I am a handful. I know I am insecure and I drive everyone crazy. I know that I have issues that make this difficult but know that I care too much. I get scared all the time and its easier to push everyone away than let them in. I am sorry that so many people have got hurt in the process. I am trying to work on it, but I just can’t change every negative over night. I love each one of my friends dearly, and its the small things they do, that get me through every day. They are my strength on days where I feel weakest. I am sorry that you’re growing further apart. I am sorry that I can’t be “normal“.
Just because I argue, doesn’t make me a bad person. Just an argumentative one. Hope you’re all okay. And don’t leave people that mean a lot to you, festering in bad moods and negative feelings. Don’t let them doubt how much they mean to you and don’t lose them. Because, you’ll be wishing they were there every day. Ferrari.❤️