I still cried at the dentist…

I really wanted to blog whilst I was away but unfortunately that didn’t happen. So I thought I’d give you all an update on what’s been happnening.

So a few weeks ago, I spoke about how I was petrified of the dentist. It stems from being younger and physically being held down in the chair whilst the “mummy” dentist (He would always refer to whatever adult was with us as mummy, even if it was our big sister) would stick his horrible tools around my mouth like a numpty. Now, I used to have perfect teeth. It was around about the time when I deleveloped an eating disorder that caused my teeth to start rotting due to bringing up stomach acid. This dentist, was awful and used to inject my mouth and start the work straight away before it was even numb, I used to leave the dentist in tears and hated going back. When I turned 16, I refused to go. I didn’t care that my teeth were getting worse because I wasn’t prepared to be traumatised again. However, back in 2014, I decided to brave the dentist only this time, I had more knowledge on my side. I knew there were many dentists around my location, that were great for dental phobia patients, so I asked to be referred to one. They gave me a list of options and Guys Hospital was one of them. They have the best dentistry clinic and I managed to get accepted due to the complications that my Addisons Disease plays on my body.During 2014/2015, I was seeing a lovely lady who spent three visits just talking to me and getting me comfortable about being in the chair again, and we started to do some work on my teeth whilst I was sedated. Unfortunately, due to commitment issues with studying in Stoke-on-Trent and attending a clinic in London every other week, I was spending too much money and couldn’t afford to keep coming back. However, my smile was back at a decent standard so I didn’t really mind so much. Fast forward to now and lets just say they are terrible! But, I made the decision to get back in touch with guys and continue the work we started. Yesterday was my first appointment and I cried.

On Monday, Kieran, Luna and I made our way into London and stayed at my best friends house until Wednesday. I got to meet her little boy, M and got massive cuddles with J. It was perfect! I missed her loads and it had been nearly 5 years since I had last seen her in person. (I was supposed to be at her wedding but due to being heavily pregnant with addisons disease as well, I didn’t wanna stress my body out and cause complications. I made the decision not to attend and it broke my heart but my priority was my unborn baby.) Spending a few days with her, was brilliant. I truly miss her loads and its great knowing that from now on, when I have my dentist appointments, I am able to go and stay at hers.

On the Tuesday, I braved going into a busy London station with Kieran for support and faced the dentist even though I was scared shitless. Firstly, it was the first time I had actually left my daughter with anyone who wasn’t Kieran, for longer than ten minutes and OH MY GOODNESS it was difficult. Leaving her even with someone that I trust with my life, was so bloody hard. I hated being away from her but she was as good as possible and only created when I rang to give Lemon an update. I couldn’t stand hearing her cry and knowing I couldn’t do anything as I was half hour away from her. Those three hours were torture and not just because of the dentist. Once I arrived at guys, I had to go in a lift (I can’t stand lifts. I’m better if I can’t see outside but generally I’m nervous in them.) and that was to the 26th floor. Oh, I’m also scared of heights. I can look out on a beautiful view and be fine but if I look down and see what’s below me, I freak.

Once I got to the dentist, I found out that due to lack of milk whilst breastfeeding, high sugar and salt diet (can’t avoid, my body doesn’t keep sugar or salt) and the sickness, that most of my teeth are screwed. I’m going to be having a partial denture to replace my front teeth for a while, whilst they are getting my full set of top teeth ready. I broke down! I hate my teeth because when I smile or talk, it’s all you see. I am so self conscious about my teeth that I refuse to smile properly, I will sit and have my hand over my mouth when I talk or I avoid eye contact because if I see them looking at my teeth, I get upset.

Now, I know it’s a good thing that I’ll be getting a new top set and I’ll smile again, but it’s not the point. I’m 25, and I’m gonna have fake teeth. That’s so disappointing. I am gutted that by the time I’m 26, ill only have about 8 teeth that are my own and they are all on the bottom row (when i’m are sick, generally my tongue is covering the teeth that are actually okay). When I found out about my teeth, I had Kieran, Ryan and Lemon all saying how it was a good thing, that even though they would be fake, I would be able to smile again and feel confident. Apparently, I have a smile that is supposed to be seen because its big and beautiful, I however would completely disagree. I’m just proud that even though I cried the entire time I was in that chair, I still went and faced a few fears and nobody can take that from me.

I go back on the fourth to start some work and my first time in the chair, I will be sedated so atleast I wont be completely with it. When it comes to removing all my top teeth however, I will be asleep so I guess that’s a plus and its a few months away so ive got a while to get used to the idea.

Lastly, I want to thank Kieran for holding my hand through the appointment and telling me that I’m beautiful regardless of my teeth, you really are the greatest! I don’t think I would have gone if you weren’t there. Thank you for loving me and handling my outburst without getting angry because I was upset, I love you for that! Thank you to my lemon, for babysitting my beauty and for being there over the last three days, I honestly love you! Thank you for giving me reassurance and confidence in my ability to be a mum when I was doubting myself and thank you to both Lemon and Hubby Lemon, for allowing us to stay with you and spend time with your boys, the boys looked like they loved our sleepover and Luna hasn’t been the same since. Thank you to my piggy, for helping us get home today, I really didn’t fancy being stranded and you didn’t have too but you did. I truly appreciate you. I also want to thank Ryan, for being a great friend and for giving me the confidence to make the appointment in the first place and for being there as much as you could. And finally I want to thank my little princess for making me smile and forget about the trip to the dentist when I saw her. You amaze me and I am truly spoilt because you are the greatest little lady I could ask for!

I don’t need my teeth to smile. ❤️

I am so lucky to have such amazing and understanding friends. Not once have they judged me or made me feel bad because of my insecurities and my fears. Not once did they let me face it alone and not once did I feel like I couldn’t do it. They are my strength, and because of them, I know I can face anything. Thank you for reading about my dental phobia and a sense of accomplishment, I hope you’re all okay and I will write again soon. Ferrari.❤️

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openupwithme

25. Mum. PTSD, EUPD, Depression, Anxiety, Post Natal Depression, Bulimic. Find me on Twitter @OpenUpWithMe; Instagram @OpenUpWithMe; Facebook @OpenUpWithMeBlog🖤

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