I could really go to town on myself today. It’s an extremely bad day and I really don’t feel like myself at all. Physically, I am exhausted. I slept for like two and a half hours and woke up feeling worse. Mentally, I’m defeated. My brain has been in overdrive all day and nothing is distracting it.
I feel bad because I had a piece in mind. A piece that I spent so long writing and yet I criticised it at every turn. I have had so many people drumming in the negatives that it’s all I see when I’m writing. I mean there are things that I know I still need to come to terms with. Things that I need to stop punishing myself over because it wasn’t my fault and people’s words that I need to forget. I wrote three different documents about triggers and it was extremely emotional to write. I think that’s part of why I can’t share it at the moment. It’s still really real and very hard to accept. But I feel like I’ve let you guys down. Because this isn’t the post I promised.
I spent a chunk of today asleep because I was drained and exhausted. I slept through my baby brother and sister coming over and I feel gutted about it. I missed out on a really cute moment between Luna and Beaudicea and I’m kicking myself over it. I haven’t really done anything today. And that in turn has made me feel lazy. Add that with the extra sleep, and we’ll I’m just a mess.
I thought when I started this blog, that it would be my way of coping because I can write a lot better than I speak, and it’s easier to write how I feel rather than say it. But I can’t. I have so many things that I can’t talk about because it will hurt a lot of people. Things I can’t talk about because I will receive criticism and crude remarks. Things I can’t talk about because I still can’t cope with thinking about let alone writing. I thought that if I could help one person by writing my blog, I’d feel like I could make a difference. Yet, I can’t even get out of bed right now so how can I make a difference?
I was having a down day and yet two of my good friends messaged me words of encouragement without prompting. My lemon messaged me out of the blue and told me that it was okay to have a nap, and take time for myself because my body must have needed it. It wasn’t me being lazy. And that helped. Some how she knew that I was kicking myself and sent me exactly what I needed to read. Another friend told me that how even when I feel weak and defeated, that I’m still one of the strongest people he knows, and that I shouldn’t give up fighting. And they are how I know I am making a difference.
My friends are amazing, my daughter and my best friends are the reason that I could never give up. They are my strength. They would use words like strength and determination, caring and loving, funny and contagious smile to describe me. Words I may not agree with but still. They say that I help them because I can go through hell and smile so they can do it too. And although I feel humbled, I’m not a good example. My best friends will tell you how I got them through some of their darkest days by being me and I know that I made a difference.
So although today maybe a bad day, I had enough and just couldn’t face it, they helped me remember why I do. They make me smile till my face aches and laugh like a baboon, they love and support me even when I can’t love myself. If you’re having a bad day, look at all then look at the people closest to you, because I can guarantee that they are the difference that you make. Even on your darkest days, they are the difference you make every day. I know that I wouldn’t be me without my best friends or my daughter. And that I never want to be without them.
Thank you for reading my jumble. I appreciate it. And I hope your days are a lot better than mine. Ferrari. ❤️