Well I was supposed to upload a post about children’s mental health and I just couldn’t press send. It’s fully written but I think its hard to open up some days. So I figured I would share something else.
I have found on days that I write, I don’t lose control as much. I mean sure I have the occasional snap but generally, it’s a lot easier to handle. And today was a bad day for many reasons but I don’t want to end it on a negative. I want to celebrate.
I started blogging properly in September of last year and I had no idea what I was doing, five months on and I don’t even think I really know now. But I do know that writing makes my life that little bit easier. It makes my mind a little simpler and my feelings feel like they matter. Even when I don’t post what I write straight away, I still have the release of my feelings and I don’t have to bottle things up. It’s not always easy to open to people, but writing doesn’t have a face. I don’t have to look at their emotions or read their facial expressions and see how I feel hurt them.
I purposely avoid sharing my blog sometimes, because I know that some of the people that matter to me, wouldn’t go out of their way to find it, and half of them haven’t even read it. They sit and wonder why I can’t open up to them but they don’t understand that they are the reason I don’t open up. I get met with things like negativity, being belittled and downgraded, being told that its simple and all I have to do is change the way I think. I mean according to some of the people in this house, my mental health doesn’t matter because I choose to be this way. Yet they may me feel bad because they can’t be bothered to take the time to understand it.
Yet, in 35 posts that I have done since September, I have had people I have never met reach out and say that I helped them with what I had written. That to them, my blog explained things that they couldn’t and it helped their families to understand a little part of what they may be experiencing. In those 35 posts, I have reached 18 other countries, and had over 800 visitors and over 1.2 thousand views! To me, that is truly remarkable. To know that there are people all over the world that have wanted to read the words I’ve written and that is moving. The fact that my little voice is read for many different reasons is bewildering because there are days I wake up with love and support and its usually on the days that I don’t feel like enough.
I have support from more people that I’ve never met than I do from the voices around me. I have truly remarkable friends not only in the UK but also in USA and beyond. I have people that I’ve never met who pick me up without realising it and I’ve heard from people that I used to be close with, that have been following how I am through my blog. Every one of those voices matter, and I want you readers to know that I could never thank you enough for reading, so I love you.
Thank you for staying with me as I try to make sense of the world. Ferrari. 💝