Do you know what its like to be a walking-talking contradiction? To feel so much and yet feel nothing at all. To have one simple thing such as a look or a word and know that all control you had, just flew out of the window? To want to be alone but scared of your own feelings? Because, I do.
To me, every day is a challenge and sometimes it’s one I lose. I have days that are pure bliss and days that are torture. Days that start off with me smiling and laughing and one small simple thing will throw my day into disaster and I can’t control it. Its not that I want to lose control of my sanity and emotions, its just my emotions are so strong that they become unbearable. They are so intense that it feels like my entire body is engulphed in webbing and I have no power. My arms are stuck, and my body just watches as my mind takes control. I do not wish to be like this. I don’t like being so scared that people are gonna leave, because I can’t even handle it, so I feel like asking that of other people is absurd.
How can I trust people to understand it when I can’t? How do you explain to people you care about, that you feel everything? That your mind will jump to the worst thought at the slight glimpse of something negative and turn to complete happiness at the smallest bit of something positive. How do I explain to people that their feelings matter more to me than my own sometimes? How do I explain to others that I don’t mean my outbursts, that my emotions replace logic? That during ‘episodes’, I can’t think straight, I don’t see logic or reason, I just see pain. How do you explain to a normal brain, that I physically need to be reassured every day because fear and doubt are powerful even when it’s not magnified?
I feel sad and pathetic because I am needy. I am the person that needs to be told that, what’s triggered my bad moods are all in my head. That just because I may be feeling down and upset that it’s not a correct image of how things are. And that the world is never as dark as what my brain would have me believe. I am my own worst critic and trust me, nobody will ever be able to hurt me the way I manage to hurt myself.
People call me toxic because I am over sensitive and over emotional. The truth is, I can be toxic because I care too much. Because I don’t know the best ways to explain how I feel and because I don’t know why I get so easily triggered. I can be toxic because I forgive everyone I care about, even when the wrong they did doesn’t deserve it but that grows the fear that triggers me. I can be toxic because I overcompensate. I can be toxic because during my episodes, I have no control. But that doesn’t mean that I am. That doesn’t make me toxic, it means I need help not judgement.
I don’t believe it when people tell me they care. I don’t because I don’t understand how they could care. I know that during my ‘episodes’ I cling to people and that in turn can drive people away. I know that I am overwhelming sometimes, but just spare a thought for how overwhelming it must be for me. To have a million and one things going through your brain, that are triggered by what seems to be such small things for other people, can be 1000x worse for me and that is every small thing. The only problem is, I can’t turn my feelings off. I can’t even stop being triggered. I wish I could. Because if I could, I would be able to stop the almost instant rush of emotion that comes over me. If I had better control, I would be able to limit my reaction to being triggered and hopefully one day I can. But at the moment I can’t, and I hate myself for it.
It’s not that I need constant attention, but I do need people more than they will ever need me. It means that I need others to reassure me that it’s going to be okay because on my dark days, things are pitch black and it doesn’t help that I’m afraid of the dark. Not the darkness just what’s lurking in it. And I need the people I love to help keep me grounded, to help light the days that seem impossible. I need to learn control and soon. Because I know there are times where I am overbearing and frustrating, and I am sorry that my nearest and dearest must go through this with me. Because my head is awful. Trying to control my brain before I speak is exhausting. I go and talk to someone about how I’m feeling and it’s the most exhausting experience I could imagine. I can talk for England, so when they tell me to open up, I literally just pour out and attempt to release everything that is on my mind at that moment and there’s a lot. Usually, I come back and sleep because bottling it up is draining but opening up is worse when you feel everything.
I suffer with horrendous self-doubt and self-destruction. Once I’m triggered and rational thinking goes out the window, I am left with negative energy and its not just a little. One little comment such as why aren’t you smiling, and I could explode. Not because I’m offended by something so trivial but because you don’t see what I feel, you don’t understand that at that moment I have a million things that I am trying to hold back and that’s why I’m not smiling. That as soon as you asked that question, I filled with rage and anger because I was trying so hard to be okay. Because I had battled my demons all day, only to basically be told that I wasn’t doing a good enough job. Which then confirms the doubts and that’s it. But it’s not you that I’m angry at, it just comes across that way sometimes.
I always feel like I’m not enough because I’m too much. I feel like I’m trapped, and nobody can see what’s binding me. I don’t think highly of myself, I haven’t done for a very long time. I honestly believe that I am a horrible person; because I say the wrong things at the wrong time, because I lash out and lose control, because I hurt the people I love, because during my ‘episodes’ I self-destruct as I can’t see that people care. I lash out because when I’m hurting, it’s so much more that just pain. It’s torture. It’s every negative thought and doubt screaming at me that no one cares, that I’m alone because nobody understands what its like to be over sensitive to something like feelings. So, I isolate myself and build walls because then when I lash out, nobody gets hurt but me. I prefer it that way. Because every time I hurt someone else, I fill with extreme guilt and then I have to punish myself. I love my friends and my family dearly, but I go to sleep every night feeling like a burden because I’m too much. I go to sleep scared and alone. Isolated by the thoughts that drown out rational thinking and logic, thoughts that spin every negative into something much worse because its more extreme, thoughts that tell me they deserve better.
So yeah, I feel more intense emotions than many people will ever come to realise, but it also means that my love is far stronger than I could ever relay. It means that although I am easily triggered, it’s because I care so much, and I can’t control it. It means that happiness can literally make me cry because I can’t contain it. I would do absolutely anything for the people I love, all they would have to do is ask. It means that I will always look for the best in people, because I know just how complex things can really get. My emotions may be either extreme and flick between the two, my reactions may be quick, and I may be easily irritated and upset, but the people who really know me, would all say that my flaws are outweighed by my quirks. That I inspire them and they’re stronger for knowing me. That I have pushed them to follow their dreams and stood by them all the way.
So, to all the people that I burned bridges with whilst you were still on them, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I lost control and couldn’t explain why. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be what you needed, and I really do wish you all the best. But I will not be sorry for my feelings, the same way I’d never ask you to be sorry for yours. I get it. More than you could ever understand. To my nearest and dearest, I am sorry that some days it seems like I’m set out to hurt you, its not you that I’m lashing out at. I’m sorry that I can’t let you see how I feel but I wouldn’t wish you to experience the extremes that come with being emotionally sensitive. I’m sorry that you get caught in the crosshairs. And to the people I have yet to meet, good luck. I hope you meet me in a time where I have better control, when my triggers aren’t the ones controlling me. But know that I will never stop being emotionally sensitive. And yes, that will be too much for some people and that’s okay. Because when I’m upset, its too much for me too and I don’t feel worthy of the love and support that I have so I would agree with you. But when I’m levelled out, I know I am worth so much more than people give me credit for. That my flaws don’t define me, and my personality isn’t a flaw, my emotions aren’t a flaw, control is.
I am who I am. I’m through being made to feel sorry for feeling. Take me as I am or leave. Ferrari❤️