Positive Thought #4

I didn’t miss #3, it’s on Instagram @openupwithme and on Facebook @openupwithmeblog.

Being brave isn’t the absence of fear. Being brave is having that fear but finding a way through it. – Bear Grylls

Today could be a bad day. I’m tucked up in bed shivering with a headache and pains all down my side from coughing so much. I feel so drained and defeated. But I refuse to let that keep me down. I mean normally I’d hate the fact that I’m cooped up in bed whilst the day passes me by, but I know my Addisons and if I don’t take this time for myself, I’ll end up even worse.

Even though I hate the idea of being tucked up under a cover, I’m gonna make the most of my bed rest and read another one of the books I got for Christmas. I’m going to get lost in the pages and focus on something else. I get to forget all about what’s going on in my life and lose myself in the characters in whatever story takes my fancy.

But before I started to lose myself in my book whilst Luna went for her nap, I faced two things. Despite how rough I felt, I still managed to get the courage to face some fears of mine.

1. The dentist. I know so many people that are afraid of the dentist and all of them are much braver than I am. When I was younger, I would go to dentist and have no worries and no fear. I would sit in that chair and knew that my teeth were perfect. That was until I was about 8 or 9. I had to have my first filling and the dentist was an asshole. My mum was an asshole. That day, I had a nurse and my mum physically restraining me whilst this dentist waved around a needle to numb my gums. I was fine with having a filling but the second I saw the needle I freaked! I was panicking and hyperventilating to the point I couldn’t have it done. My mum called me so many names, told me I was a baby and needed to stop being pathetic. And every time I got in the chair after that, people were on call so I could be retrained whilst the dentist checked my teeth. When I developed my eating disorder, my teeth got terrible. The stomach acid I was bringing up, was rotting my teeth and I refused to go to the dentist. I couldn’t quite manage it. I was 21 before I managed to get the courage to have my teeth fixed. I was going once a month to be sedated and having them fixed slowly but it was great. It took me a few visits to get in the chair but the lady at Guys Hospital was incredible! She wouldn’t force me to do anything I wasn’t comfortable with, she spoke to me, she let me listen to my music and would always make sure I had a sugary drink next to me in case my blood pressure dropped. See, Addisons can cause complications, and when having any sort of stress, we are made to double our tablets to ensure that our body can cope. Throw in a phobia of needles and dentists and I turn into a wreck. But, being at guys, there is an endocrinologist in the same building and only once have they needed to get him to make sure I was okay. Today however, I’ve managed to sort out my referral and will again being having my teeth fixed by Guys Hospital.

The second being getting the courage to book a cervical cancer smear. After I had given birth to Luna, I had to be examined because of the c-section and the pains that were appearing, and found out there was a legion on my cervix. I went to that appointment alone and scared. I dreaded going and got myself into a right mess. Thankfully, it was just due to the pregnancy rather than anything more sinister. But after having it happen to my mum and her having the lump removed by a laser, I’ve been paranoid ever since. I’ve made the appointment twice before and chickened out both times. So today, I made the appointment and come next week, I will be making sure that I’m okay.

So sure, I’m actually quite sick. I’ve spent most of the day either asleep or with the blanket over my head because it was pounding that much. The pain is so intense that it’s taken me all day to write this post. But I did it! I managed to keep the sickness and pain at bay long enough to press send. But that’s not what I’m proud of. Today, I’m proud that even though I may have my fears, I will not live my life hiding from them anymore. ❤️

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openupwithme

25. Mum. PTSD, EUPD, Depression, Anxiety, Post Natal Depression, Bulimic. Find me on Twitter @OpenUpWithMe; Instagram @OpenUpWithMe; Facebook @OpenUpWithMeBlog🖤

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