On the fifth day of Blogmas…

On the fifth day of Blogmas, I gave you a post at a ‘reasonable’ time. (I started at half 7, I’m feeling optimistic.) Go me! Luna is all tucked up in bed, Christmas songs coming through my headphones and my laptop with my plan for tonight set out and I just can’t find the inspiration to write it. Well, I decided that I would just let my fingers do the typing and my heart do the thinking.

Today, I was talking to one of my friends that I used to see weekly at the pub for karaoke and I was in a good mood. He said that it was like looking at a twin because he forgot what it looked like to see me smiling and it looked healthy. It’s true, I was. This is the one time of year that I forget just how hideous I find my smile and lose myself in the magic. Its amazing how something so simple as wrapping presents can bring someone so much joy.

It may sound silly to you, but I consider wrapping presents to be an art form. I think there are so many ways to wrap presents because not every present comes in a box and presents come in every size. Some are big, and some are small. Some cost a month’s wages and others cost an hour’s wage. It’s incredible. But the joy comes knowing that come Christmas day, I get to share in their excitement. I get to see how happy they get over something that to others may seem trivial. So why is it that we can sit there and accept that people want different presents, but we judge them on the biggest gift of all and that’s the life they choose to live.

I mean I can remember one year, my brother had asked for a film that I couldn’t stand, and thought was absolute rubbish, yet its one of his favourites. Now, I for one am not going to tell him he’s wrong for liking that film because we all have different tastes. I didn’t turn my nose up when he opened it because I know that he loves it and that would have undermined his present. This year, I have five things all from WWE, and I don’t care because I will wear my new clothes with pride. Yet, I have had so many people judge me because I will happily watch two men act a wrestling script and buy into it. I have people judge me for being a mark, but I couldn’t care because I enjoy it. So why is it, we can accept peoples presents, even when we don’t like them, but we can’t accept life choices?

I think that there are many sides to a person, the same way there is many sides to a wrapped present. You can only see what’s on the outside not what’s inside until you take off the layer and see it with your own eyes. People are like that. Some people, me included, can be this confident, strong, determined person but on the inside screaming out for help. On the inside, I am crying, and I can’t stop. I pick every tiny detail of everything I do apart and over analyse everything. I doubt everything I do, and I live in fear that everything is going to go wrong like it has so many times before. I’m not what you see on the outside. I have many layers of me that some don’t ever get to know, and others are lucky enough to experience. I mean don’t get me wrong, I can and have been a horrible person. I am only human, and I made mistakes. But that doesn’t define me. The same as the clothes I wear, don’t define my wealth, and the jobs we do don’t define our place in this world. It just meant that I picked the wrong choice and that’s okay if I learnt from what I did.

Way too many people will judge you. Way too many people in this world will try to undermine and devalue you. Don’t let them. You are better at being you than anyone and you should know that. I for one, know what I am, I know who I am, and as much as I doubt that I’m doing the right thing, I’m trusting my heart to lead me to where I want to go and my head to guide me on the right track getting there. There are times I fail, and I get back up and try again.

Even though I’m scared of failure, even though I’m scared of rejection, I will always try again because even on the days I don’t have confidence in myself, people around me do and they are the ones I should focus on. They are the ones that don’t judge the people we are or the people we want to be. Despite the negatives that are all around you, listen and follow the positives.

You readers are my gift. In August 2017, I started this blog as an outlet and posted one thing. It took a whole year to post another and even though I let you guys down sometimes, you still come back and read. It really touches me. I have been having dark days, and one of you will message me saying how you loved my blog and you can’t wait to read more that I believe that my voice matters. Because even though I write on here, I don’t think anyone’s going to read it. Every time that figure goes up and someone, somewhere is reading what I wrote, I sit in awe. It amazes me that a post I’ve written has reached the other side of this planet. And I want you to know that I truly thank you for all your support. Because on the days that I don’t trust what I’m writing, like today, you guys give me the inspiration for a post.

Appreciate those around you, because during your hardest days and longest nights, they love you regardless. They will stand by you if you stay true to who you are. Appreciate that even though today was hard and some of you may felt like breaking down, it’s over another day that you kicked ass and lived. Just make sure those days mattered.

Her 1st Stocking 😍❤️

Twitter @RariAyliffe Facebook ‘OpenUpWithMe’, Instagram @openupwithme.

And until tomorrow. Thank you for reading my post. Merry Blogmas Readers🎄❄️⛄️❤

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openupwithme

25. Mum. PTSD, EUPD, Depression, Anxiety, Post Natal Depression, Bulimic. Find me on Twitter @OpenUpWithMe; Instagram @OpenUpWithMe; Facebook @OpenUpWithMeBlog🖤

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