Today. I sat in the bath and just cried. I cried because it hurts. Right now, I am battling yet another infection as well as my mental health. I’m trying to battle being a great mum and a loving partner. I’m trying to push myself into being happy but it’s not working.
I can spend so many hours making sure that those around me have someone to talk to when they need them but half the time I just want someone to talk to me. To ask me if I’m okay and mean it so that I can open up to someone. I want someone to be able to look me in the eye and already know that I’m having a bad day and just hug me without saying a word. I want someone to care enough to make the effort.
I know that I spend most of my days portraying a facade. I pretend that I’m happy and okay. I pretend that nothing is bothering me. I paint this picture that I can handle anything because I want my daughter to know that she is capable of anything. That no matter what this life throws at us, we take it and rise above it.
That is me at my most vulnerable. Naked and alone. It takes everything in my fibre to bring my head back up when I’m washing it even though my brain is telling me to just give up. I battle my brain telling me how easy it would be to break the razor and give myself real physical pain. I battle my brain telling me that there’s no point in continuing because nobody cares. I battle myself every day. Whether it’s infections or mental well-being.
I know that again I’m pushing people away. I know that I’m building barriers again to protect everyone from myself. I know that I reached out to people and had it thrown in my face. I have people telling me that it’s gonna be okay and it’s just a bad day. I get that. But what do I do when the bad days outweigh the good? What do I do when I cause myself so much pain and suffering? What do I do when I’m the reason for my pain?
I’m so scared each and every day. I’m scared that I’m just gonna give up on myself the way I feel like everyone else has. I’m scared that I’m gonna push everyone away because I can’t stand to be hurt again. I can’t stand to feel isolated by people that claim to care.
But for now, I will continue to fight and each every day. I’ll fight alone if I have to but I won’t give up trying. I may feel like it. I may feel like everyone would be happier without me but I know that it’s because I’m down that it’s magnified. I know one day in my future, my mental health is going to be okay and the good days will outweigh the bad. I will fight for that brighter future because I deserve it.
Just because I have a smile and I’m laughing, doesn’t mean that internally I’m not screaming out. I know that I have friends that care. I know I have a partner who adores me. And I have the most perfect little girl. They are worth fighting for.
This is two sides to the very same coin. Taken on the same day. Within ten minutes of each other. And it’s okay. It’s okay to be happy and it’s okay to be upset. It’s okay to cry and let it out. It’s okay to not be okay all the time. It doesn’t make you any weaker. It doesn’t make you any less of a person. But you have the ability to make others feel better! Don’t waste it.
This post isn’t for attention. It isn’t for sympathy. It’s for recognition. I want you to recognise that even those that paint the biggest smiles are suffering. I want you to just hug those you care about and let them know that they mean something to you. I want you to check in on those that you know aren’t okay. Because right now, they may just need a chat or even a distraction.