The last time I wrote here, I said I’d do three posts about reflection and yet today I’m sitting here writing an entirely different post. I am sorry for that but don’t think I have forgotten. I just wanted to explain. I wanted to write again today even though right now, if I’m honest, I don’t really feel like writing.
First off, I wanted to say thank you to the 464 views I’ve had from 307 visitors. Each time my blog is read, I am encouraged to want to write more. That’s why I’ve tried to write something every week. The fact that some of you, have read post after post and followed since the beginning touches me. I genuinely feel like I have a voice and it’s being heard (or read as the case may actually be).
I may not be the best writer or well written but I always try. I may have failed my English qualifications but that never stopped me from wanting to write. I always wanted to keep a journal but I lacked commitment. I found it hard to write every day, and I didn’t just want to write “hi”. I found that when I did want to write, I could write for hours. I would write about whatever came to mind. So it didn’t matter how many times I got pulled up on punctuation or spelling, I always tried.
In the last month, I have found myself wanting to write less and less because the truth is, right now I’m not okay. I can paint a smile on my face and pretend for everyone but it won’t change how I feel on the inside. Now, my daughter brings me huge amounts of happiness and she does make me smile. But she can’t be awake 24/7.
On Monday I started my new job, I thought things were looking up for me. I felt confident and on top of the world. I was finally going back to work so that I could provide a decent future for my baby girl and give her a life that she is worthy of. I completed my first day and I felt great, even if all I had eaten was a few bites of a sandwich to take with my tablets. I went to sleep. Tuesday, when I woke up, my body was heavy. I had no energy. I couldn’t move and I didn’t even want to open my eyes. I felt horrendous. Yet I still got up, got dressed and walked the hours walk to work. I doubled my tablets like I was supposed to and was readyish to start back at work the second day. Even though I felt like a sack of shit and could cry because everything felt so heavy on me, I was in work ready to start. My boss saw that I was a completely different person and wanted a chat. We spoke about how although I was able to do the job in question, my body was my enemy. My problem wasn’t with my capabilities, it was that my body couldn’t handle the shift I did yesterday without paying for it. She tried to find some part time work for me to do so that I could come back to said job as soon as my body got used to being at work again. Unfortunately however, all the part time jobs had been taken so I was let go.
The hardest part wasn’t losing it and feeling like a failure because I hadn’t managed to keep it. It was because my body has limitations. I can’t jump feet first into stressful situations. It was that no matter how much mentally I am ready to be back at work, my body is telling me to slow down. Yet, I’m still not giving up. There’s a job out there that my body can handle. It’s just not the one I just had. Go figure. 🤷🏼♀️🤣
I will continue to write and you will get the posts about reflection. It’s just going to be a little later than anticipated. (They are in the drafts, I just want to make sure that they are showing a true reflection of the person I am.)
(Because I cant take a picture without a filter. My first day at work.)
Much love and thank you for reading;